Thursday, October 20, 2011

Guest in Progress: Richard Goodman on Finding "Richard Goodman"

Google myself?  Why, never!  How self-absorbed!

Okay, maybe once or twice, and if I’m confessing that, I also have to confess that I literally have no idea what Richard Goodman is talking about below.  Why not?  Two words:  Leslie, and, especially, Pietrzyk.

By Richard Goodman
[Note: These are all real people named Richard Goodman.]

So, what has Richard Goodman been up to lately?  I went to the Web to find out.

Who knew I was so versatile.

It seems that I’m a wide receiver for the San Diego Chargers.  (Oh, I also see that I’m black.)  I’m not having such a good year.  Any advice on that front?

I’m also the Executive Vice President, Operations at Pepsi.  Before that,  I was the Chief Financial Officer at PepsiCo.  I appear to be good with money.  I don’t even like Pepsi, which makes this all the more impressive.  This is great, because I have a car loan to pay off.  (By the way, is becoming Executive Vice President a promotion or a demotion?  Isn’t CFO more prestigious?  How do I feel about this?)  

I notice, too, I’m also a professor of Cell and Developmental Biology and Biochemistry and Molecular Biology at the Oregon Health and Science University.  And I’m Director of the Vollum Institute, whatever that is.  Odd, because I got a D in Biology in high school. 

I see, too, that I, Richard Goodman, have been building custom homes and remodeling existing property since 1971 in Laguna Beach, California.  Just look at some of those places!  They must cost a bundle.  Whoa, that one looks like it’s about to fall off a cliff.  Why do I take so many chances? 

I notice that I’m dead, as well.  Yes, I died on April 3, 1676 in Hadley, Massachusetts.  I was a deacon.  You know, I always thought I was basically a spiritual person.  Apparently, I had a son named John.  News to me.  I’m ok with that, though. 

I guess I’m still alive, because I’m a teacher at Horace Greely School in Chappaqua.  (I wonder if I know Bill Clinton.)  Uh-oh—on, one student wrote, “Good for advanced students but for those struggling- he can be a real d-ck.”  Luckily, I’m also a surveyor, head of Richard Goodman Rural Surveyors and Land Agents in Compton on the Berkshire Downs, England.  So I have a career to fall back on in case I get too many d-ck reviews for my teaching.

And I’m a lawyer!  I practice in Southfield, Michigan.  What kind of lawyer am I?  I’ll tell you:  “When it comes to matters of the law, you need hard-hitting representation from experienced attorneys who know the many ins, outs and subtle nuances of the law.”  Mr. Nuance, that’s me. 

And if you have problems of the heart, I can help, too.  I’m a therapist.  Do you know what I believe?  “I believe that all people yearn for a deep human connection, including those people who have had great difficulties in relationships.”  Call me.  I’m in Somerville, MA.  Remember, “The therapist is a guide, or a soulmate if you will, for an in-depth journey into the self.”  Are you ready to journey?  I am!

About:  Richard Goodman is the author of French Dirt: The Story of a Garden in the South of France.  The San Francisco Chronicle called French Dirt “one of the most charming, perceptive and subtle books ever written about the French by an American.”  He is also the author of The Soul of Creative Writing and A New York Memoir.  Richard’s most recent book, The Bicycle Diaries: One New Yorker’s Journey Through 9-11, was published in a fine press, limited edition form, with original color wood engravings by Gaylord Schanilec.  The New York Times said that “it has the weight of a small thing done with great care to honor a huge loss.”  He is Visiting Assistant Professor at the University of New Orleans.  Website:


DC-area author Leslie Pietrzyk explores the creative process and all things literary.