I’m no expert, but I thought the poem was okay, despite her poor reading of it. I’m not sure what I would have expected or how one might write a poem to capture everything of the moment…which I suppose is why I’m a novelist, because I could much more easily imagine writing a NOVEL about the event.
But I was interested in John Guzlowski’s suggested revision, which I think does make the poem stronger. Here's where you can read more about that; he also has some links to various online discussions about the merits/lack of in the poem.
The bottom line for me: I’m happy a poet was included!